Reading Time: 2 minutes

This morning I witnessed a horrifying incident.

Every morning, somewhere between 6am and 7:30am I now take two
desperate greyhounds for a walk around the nearby park. This is where
they take care of their morning business, rather than in my back
garden. Being a good and responsible dog owner I never leave any mess
behind, ensuring that I clean up every last little bit.

These are big dogs. They create a BIG mess. They also have soaked
food, so as you might imagine sometimes removing their ‘output’ is not
the easiest or most pleasant task in the world. Other responsible dog
owners have a plastic bag trick where they use the bag as a glove and
pick it up, turning the bag inside out again as they go. This neat
trick may be good for a small dog on a high protein diet, but not for
my dogs. Squeezing rancid, hot porridge textured faeces through a thin
plastic bag is not the greatest way to start the day.

Instead we ave adopted a trick that uses a piece of newspaper
rapidly inserted beneath the hounds posterior as it crouches and
readies itself. All output then is easy lift-able and removable, being
simple to pop into a bag, seal and dispose of. 90% of the time this is
great, but the slightest breeze on a dry morning can create more than
its fair share of stress as the piece of paper gently flutters folds
from the target spot precisely at the wrong time. Other times it is
almost impossible in stronger winds. I have even found myself squatting
down holding the damn paper in place rather than having to clean up
from scratch.

have noticed that quite often the target newspaper page that has been
placed in position is one that I meant to read. On occasions, I am
annoyed that I meant to keep that particular page and now it’s not in
the friendliest state to be read. Also, articles suddenly look
infinitely more interesting when you know you can never read them once
they are placed on the shooting range.

This morning though was really bad. I felt the full horror as I
realised at the last second what sacrilege was about to be committed. A
full page feature devoted to Tennis Princess, Maria Sharapova looking
sensational. I felt guilt and horror as her image was defaced by the
falling debris of fully digested ‘Supa Greyhound Complete Diet Mix’.

In future I shall take care to go out on dog walks with only the
personal ads and property section. These pages are already covered in
shit.